Ecclesiates 3:1 - 8, 11 - 15

1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; 

3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;

a time to break down, and a time to build up;

 4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 

5 a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 

6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to throw away; 

7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 

8 a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

…

11 He has made everything suitable for its time;

moreover he has put a sense of past and future into their minds,

yet they cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. 

12 I know that there is nothing better for them

than to be happy and enjoy themselves as long as they live; 

13 moreover, it is God's gift that all should eat and drink and take pleasure in all their toil. 

14 I know that whatever God does endures forever;

 nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it;

God has done this, so that all should stand in awe before him. 

15 That which is, already has been;

 that which is to be, already is;

and God seeks out what has gone by.

 

A Good Sense of Direction...

I've always known where I am
And I have always known where I started.
What I don't always know,
Is where I am going
or how to get back to 'Square One'.

If I don't have a Map
for the Destinations I imagine
that I long to visit,
Then I can linger in places
that have no focus point.
I get caught up in visiting with the locals
Who don't quite care
That I'm simplyPassing Through...

Sometimes,I don't even care myself
that I am not 'Arriving'.
I so enjoy the scenery,
the local fare, the music
the air, the smells
and the peace and laughter;
that frankly, I am content
to simply stake my tent
for a while.

Am I lazy?
A little.
I've always laughed
that I was;
'Built for Comfort,
Not for Speed'.

But as I listened to
a Wonderful Storyteller
Recently
I realized that one of my
major BlocksTo the Flow of my Travel
is,
I don't haveA Good Sense of Direction.

My mother Certainly
didn't have one.
When I was a child,
We were lost in the car,
At least (!),
Once a Week...

And I, to this day, can get lost
So very easily
Trying to get somewhere.
But I Can Always Find my Way Out!
Luckily I have good Visual Memory
and remember the Turns I took incorrectly
And can reverse them to lead me home again.

But Unfortunately,
I don't have the innate gift
that Others seems to have.
Those that just Naturally know
that they have been on a road long enough
And that it is time to Turn.
And they can just sense Which Turn to Take,
in Order to reach their Destination.

Returning Home is never
Truly an option.
It's never the same. Never.
So,No matter if its a simple Walk in the Rain,
or an epic Road Trip;
My Destination must always
be Forward, not Backward.

I'm beginning to sense something:
Enough Turns for the time Being.
I have come a Long Way
in a very Short Time.
I like my surroundings,
and I'm learning much about myself
in this new land alone.
I am able, peaceful,
rich, deep and desirable.

My Direction?
Hovering Peace...
Connected Love...
Beauty Abounding...
It's not time for a Turn,
this I know.
My Camp Ground is soft and dry
and the music and warmth
are Nourishing my Soul.

I'll get where I'm going,
Eventually;
My senses Growing Stronger.
But this is definitely one of the Places
That would be on my Map;
If I had One.

(c)2008jsblankenship

More from Rilke

i beg you...to have patience with everything
unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms or books
written in a very foreign language.


Don't search for the answers,
which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them.


And the point is,
to live everything.
live the questions now.


Perhaps then,
someday far in the future,
you will gradually,
without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer...

Time Never Wasted

A Pondering of Time Wasted;
Fearful of '...Wasted Love...'

Time Spent Loving
is Never Wasted;

Love being Good
And Pure.

Love being All...

Love...
Real Love Never dies;
Never Ends.
But, Alas
Sometimes, Does change.

Love and Commitment
are Cousins Embraced.
Different entities sharing Illusionary
Purpose.

Love of Self...
Pure and Original;

Love of Self
Must Always be Present
in order to Let Love
Pass through us to Another.

If Absent,
the Emptier we become,
and Commitment becomes
a Lie of Sorts....

My Time was not
a Waste of Love...

My Love, is not now,
and Never has been,
a Waste of Time.

Nor was it ever a Lie.

my Commitments --
be they to others
or Myself --
I allowed to become
Lies in the End;
For I stopped
Learning to Love Myself.

The caring soul I have;
Knowing deeply
the Love that I feel,
the Love I possess,
Never intended to Hurt or Harm.

This Soul of Mine
Is Learning again
that to Love myself
and express Pure Love
to Another,
I Must be Impeccable
with Not only with What I DO say,
But also with What I DON'T say.

Love without Promise
Is it Less Love this way?

Commitment without Love
Is it More Valued that way?

I've known Love with Commitment
for a brief and Rapturous Time.
I would Trade that knowledge, that Pureness
for nothing...Nothing.

I've known Commitment without Love,
the Lack of Love I had for myself.
And Never felt emptier
or More Lost in Time and in Space.

And Now I embark on Love
Alone,
without Promise or Commitment;
Until it's time.
It's all I have to offer;
Love from my Heart,
from my Well-Loved Heart.

(c)2008jsblankenship

The Other Side of The Veil

It only makes Sense
that there has Always been
Two Sides
To That Veil
that has Always kept me Back.

I spoke of it as The Veil of Truth;
Tried to peer through its hazy
Transparency.
I felt so grandiose
simply because I could see,
That there was one.

The Knowledge of this
isolating bondage;
a bondage made from
the suffocating weight
of cheese cloth--
Allowed me to be Held in Place
Complacent,
Stuck,
Deceptive --
To myself and the others
Gracing me with their Love and Patience.

I wish I could say
"Suddenly, It was lifted"
But it has been a Long Hard Look
and a Work for a Determined,
Dark Soul.
But in the Light of the Morning's Dawn
I see....

I see that One side is Truth
The Other, Deception.
Deception of Self,
Lies to My self.

The Veil of Truth
is
The Veil of Deception.

They are One...

Cheese Cloth...
Transparent...
So Light,
So Precarious,
Yet so Strong
So Resistant
to Movement, Growth, Living...

Desire
Sweat
Sleeplessness
Admitting
Honesty
Tears
Trust
Despair
Hopelessness
Determination


All these, Cycling
Time and time, again.
And Strength...
To Pull the Cords
Such Heavy, Burdensome Cords
To Lift this Veil
That, in weight, is light enough
To be Blown away
with Just a Puff of Breath....
or a Seed of Faith.

If only it were that easy....
Alas, only worth the work you expend???
Exhausting but True...

I Spoke of This veil
As hiding from Me
'...That which is Essential...'
As it turns out;
It was Simply the Truth,
About Myself.
And that is The Most Essential
thing that We can Know.

And at this spot of Beauty
in my Journey,
I Can see So Clearly now
That I constantly
Fanned those Fireflies Away;
Away from the Delicacy of their Work
of Lifting That Veil.
But Back then,
I wasn't ready for anything more
Than the Protection it provided.
At certain points along the Journey,
We can only See so much.

We must keep Walking.
Keep Searching,
Listening
and Loving;
Loving Ourselves and those we are
Blessed with along the Road,
To gain the Strength --
To See with True Sight,
Our True Self.

(c)2008jsblankenship

The Going

"Hardy is better known for his novels, but some of his poetry is very good indeed, and he has the nineteenth century feel for things passing that culminated in the First World War. I found this poem in a anthology, and it was right for how I felt, right for the moment. So I have learned it. It makes me sad, it makes me cry, but it is a very good poem for the ripped heart." ~JW

by Thomas Hardy

Why did you give no hint that night
That quickly after the morrow’s dawn,
And calmly, as if indifferent quite,
You would close your term here, up and be gone
Where I could not follow
With wing of swallow
To gain one glimpse of you ever anon.

Never to bid goodbye,
Or lip me the softest call,
Or utter a wish for a word, while I
Saw morning harden upon the wall,
Unmoved, unknowing
That your great going
Had place that moment, and altered all.

Why do you make me leave the house
And think for a breath it is you I see
At the end of the alley of bending boughs
Where so often at dusk you used to be;
Till in darkening dankness
The yawning blankness
Of the perspective sickens me.

You were she who abode
By those red-veined rocks far West,
You were the swan-necked one who rode
Along the beetling Beeny Crest,
And, reining nigh me,
Would muse and eye me,While Life unrolled us its very best.

Why, then, latterly did we not speak,
Did we not think of those days long dead,
And ere your vanishing strive to seek
That time’s renewal? We might have said,
‘In this bright spring weather
We’ll visit together
Those places that once we visited.’

Well, well! All’s past amend,
Unchangeable. It must go.
I seem but a dead man held on end
To sink down soon… O you could not know
That such swift fleeing
No soul foreseeing –
Not even I – would undo me so.

Playing the Cards, Playing the Man…And the Broad

Chapter Five (Re-Posted) Chapter Six Coming Soon!

I know I’ve got the nuts. I’ve got Aces in the hole…if they can just hold up. But most times in this game it doesn’t matter what you hold, it’s what you do with what you’re dealt. I’ve been playing at this table for several hours – playing the same guys for several hours can be much like knowing someone for several months. You watch the way they act, the way they react. You get a feeling or determination on what their goals are and how and why they tend to get distracted from those goals. You see what they are like when they are confident, when they are scared, strong and weak. You try to learn what it looks like, how it feels when they are lying. And while you wait to catch a hand or make a move, you watch…you watch them wait.

If you play long enough or often enough with a guy, you can get to know aspects of him similar to how you know somebody from your own family, (you know a lot about how they act but still may not understand why). I don’t play with family. When you pass the pot around and play mind games, it only leads to trouble.

Some guys play their cards. This isn’t a game of cards – it’s a game of life, of communication. But I look to sit with those who know the difference. I can build my stacks playing both kinds of man, the one who plays his cards and the one who plays me. I can also lose it all. It’s easier to lose to a guy that knows the real game…

I’ve been playing with this guy on and off for a few months now. He’s a good guy…’been around the block a few times. He’s fought his battles, won some, lost others, and gained a lot of honor. He doesn’t have to play anymore. I think he plays now, just because it’s what you do…if it’s in your blood. You play, but your goals, your motivations change.

We’ve thrown the chips around between us a few times. He plays a real good game. I have a lot of respect for him, at and away from the table. And I try not to get involved in too many pots with him out of that respect. In an alley, in a bind, we’d be there for one another…I’d still take his money on a bluff, but I might take a good stiff hit for him and I know he’d do the same.

Lately, he’s become involved with this broad. I was real glad to hear him talk about the gal. He’s been alone a long time. I was glad….then I saw her. She’s beautiful…..and….we have a history between us. Emma….the war, we lost each other. Why? I was running the racket for a dangerous bunch. She was street smart and gorgeous and could always hold her own, but with the sweet soul she has and as young as she was then, she couldn’t trust I’d stick around, and, of course, I didn’t. So, we lost each other.

I don’t think he has a clue about us. I think we both want to keep it that way, but, perhaps, for different reasons…me, out of respect for him and fear of the knowledge that I never got over how this woman reads me. It’s powerful. We’ll leave it at that. Her? Security. And there’s an awful lot to be said about knowing your stacks are high and your deck is full of Paint; the faces, King Queen and Jack. Who can blame her? I wasn’t a sure thing back then.

Recently, he’s started bringing Emma to the club. And now she’s playing at my table, strategically. And she’s really sticking it to me. For the life of me, I can’t read that woman, never have been able to. Have never been able to decide whether it’s me or her that I can’t bring myself to trust. Emma plays a good game, that’s part of the problem. She’s shrewd; she draws in everyone around her and especially at a table in with her charms. She gorgeous – just a beautiful woman. Damn, I’ve never been able to steer clear around her. And forget about me playing a good game myself. I should be calling all bets off at this point and walk away…but I can’t leave, I just can’t fold this hand.

Aces. I told you I had the nuts. I’m holding pocket Aces. The Ace of Clubs and the Ace of Hearts. Knowledge and Love. My old addictions. And I’m not raising. I want to keep her in the hand, within reach. I'm not letting her in on what I have because I can focus on what she has going on in that pretty little head of hers. What does she want from me? Why is she back here after all these years? Coincidence? Luck of the Draw for me or am I about to really crap out? It's so foolish for me not to raise here and just get her out of the hand, out of my head. Hell, get myself out of this game, off this table and move on. I don't need this trouble in my life after all this time. But I’m not going to fold them either. I’m going to play them my own way, straight forward, no apologies -- the stakes are just too high now – and see where this new game, this new dance takes me.
(c)2008jsblankenship

In Search of the Burning Bush...

Life Without Parole

"You are hereby Sentenced
To the Term of Your Natural Life,
Without the Possibility
for Parole."

I imagine a man who is
Sentenced to Life Without Parole
For a Murder he did not Commit
Simply because he was Guilty
Of a Lesser Crime,

Has only left his Freedom
to Spend his Days Learning
Who he Is
And Who his God Is.

To Sleep, Eat
Exercise, Read
Pray and Meditate...
Mapping out His Life
of Learning Who he is
And Who his God is...

I am an Innocent Woman...

(c)2008jsblankenship

Shards

We Tried to Clean it All up.
We did,
Shivering, Quivering;
In the AfterShock
of Terror
And Panic,
We Tried to Tidy it All Up.

We Tried to Clean it Up Together
I guess Some Jobs,
If you Need it Done Well,
You have to Do Your Self...

But I keep Finding
Shards of Glass,
Shards of the Past,
Shards of Doubt,
Shards of Pain.
Red and Clear,
They Keep Showing Up,
No Matter What I Do.

Each Week One of Us finds Another Shard.

And Each One
Cuts Deep.
Cuts Me
Cuts She
Cuts Her.

I May not have Broken it
But I must have set It on it's Edge.
Handling it and It's Contents,
3 Fragile Hearts,
Precariously,
Thinking,
Hoping,
That it would Just Resolve Itself.

I should Know Better.

I'm Going to Try Hard
To Clean it All Up.
Let the Wounds Heal.
And Remember How
To Keep What I'm Given
From This Point on..
In a More Protective,
Loving Manner.

Super Glue
Won't fix This.
Only Time,
And Hard Work.

A Job For One.

(c)jsblankenship

"Emagene"

During Mom's fight she was very faithful in God's ability and desire to care for and heal her as much as her body would allow. She was always prayerful and actively participated in positive thinking or "imaging" in order to help the treatment rid her body of any illness. I never knew exactly what she imagined happening in her body whil this was being done, but she believed it and I believed it worked in some way for her. In my own small, inadequate way, I "imaged" the illness out of her body too, for that was really all I could do.

At the same time, Mother really became intriqued with Angels. We all had angels on our shoulders, in our homes and in our hearts during that time. We read stories adn shared poems about angels. We all came to believe in our Guardian Angels. Momma's good friend, Kathryn, supposedly knew how to find out who your Guardian Angel is. ! I don't know if Mother ever found out about her Angel or not. But she and I, in our own funny little story, came know and we knew her name...

I was visiting Mom one day at her house. It was just an ordinary afternoon with nothing particular to do or talk about. We were just being together, like we always enjoyed doing. I was sitting on the couch, she in her chair and the T.V. was on' as it always was in that house. I guess I was casually watching whatever was on T.V. because when I posed the question, I really didn't wait or listen for a reply.

"Have you been doing your imaging?" I asked. In my mind, I was thinking of all those soldiers of white blood cells marching through her body on a crusade against the evil they were up against.

"No, I guess I had better to get to my imaging!" she replied.

Since I really wasn't paying attention, it took me a few seconds to realize that she had actually said anything at all. I also misunderstood what she had said!

"Who's Emagene???"
"What do you mean, 'Who's Emagene?'"
"You said: 'I'd better call Emagene.', who's Emagene?"
"No! I said: I'd better do my Imagining!"

Well, Emagene was born! Momma's Guardian Angel was revealed. She had a name! And many times since that day, in fun and in hope, we'd "...call Emagene!"... I still do, and I am now...

(c)1994jsblankenship

For You, St. Claire...

http://www.myspace.com/enzoswift

Love,
Jack and Kitty Boy.....

For You, Poppa....

Beloved Wife

You were the love
for certain of my life
you were simply my beloved wife
I don't know for certain
how I'll live my life
now alone without my beloved wife
my beloved wife

I can't believe
I've lost the very best of me

you were the love
for certain of my life
you were simply my beloved wife
I don't know for certain
how I'll live my life
now alone without my beloved wife
my beloved wife

I can't believe
I've lost the very best of me

you were the love
for certain of my life
for 50 years simply my beloved wife
with another love I'll never lye again
it's you I can't deny
it's you I can't defy
a depth so deep
into my grief
without my beloved soul
I renounce my life
as my right
now alone without my beloved wife
my beloved wife

my beloved wife
my love is gone she suffered long
in hours of pain
my love is gone
now my suffering begins
my love is gone
would it be wrong if I should
surrender all the joy in my life
go with her tonight?

my love is gone she suffered long
in hours of pain
my love is gone
would it be wrong if I should
just turn my face away from the light
go with her tonight?

~Natalie Merchant

I Need:

Shelter
Peaceful, Uniterrupted Sleep
Healthy, Balanced, Regular Nutrition
Water
Income
Caring, Productive, Honest Work
Friendship
Prayer
Worship
Honest Communication
Music
Love
Touch
Wonder
Poetry
Stories
Laughter
Accomplishment
To experience My Life in my Own Way
Acceptance
Family contact, Trust
Trust...Coming In
Trust...Going Out

Yesterday's Coffee...

Yesterday's Coffee
Is Cold
Even warmed up

Yesterday's Coffee
is certainly Bitter
Bitter isn't necessarily Strong
It's just Bitter...

It does the trick
It's medicinal
It'll do in a Pinch

But it Certainly doesn't matter what Mug it is in
It could be Yesterday's
Yesterday's Coffee
in Yesterday's Mug...

It's time to Clean House
Get back to a Routine
So I can Rise Early,
Rested
With Time Enough (at Last)
to Slowly
Make the Perfect Brew...
Strong,
And Sweet....

(c)2008jsblankenship

Make Voyages. Attempt them. There is nothing else.

~Tennessee Williams

It Felt Good to Work Today !

Lord,
I am Thankful Today for:

The opportunity to help those in need.

The opportunity to continue to express the Self you have made me to be.

"Sweet Home Alabama"

The Love that is shown to me by Your Grace alone.

Forgiveness.

Family members who continue to Reach Out to me
(even in my stubbornness to be Silent)

Life-Long Friends who Love (mostly) Unconditionally (Dr. Jones)

Non-Judgemental Aquaintences

My Life.....

Out of Water....Sorjourning...Mapping out a Life

Veil of Truth (Revealed)

Behind This Veil;
I See..
Only what I Want and Need to See

This Veil Of Truth
Only Hides
That Which is Essential
From Me

How To Lift It,
This Veil, From my Eyes
Will Take on The delicacy
Of a Thousand Wings,
Wings Of Fireflies

The Protection from Which
I Crave
I Can See more than Enough
To Light my Way,
And Find My Truth

But do I Fan these Wings Away,
Fan away with My Hand
The Only Light
Away from Hope,
The only Hope I Have, Truth.
I Have Truth.
Truth.

(c)2008jsblankenship (3/12/08)

Shared with Me about 3 Weeks ago in an email from a Very Unlikely Source...Been Holding onto it. It is very Appropriate Today...sm2

God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.

Great Quote

"Don't you just love these long rainy afternoons in New Orleans when an hour isn't just an hour - but a little piece of eternity dropped into our hands... and who knows what to do with it?"

-Blanche DuBois, "A Streetcar Named Desire"

Aloha, Mahalo and Aloha....

Aloha: Hello
Mahalo: Thank you
Aloha: Goodbye

Aloha
You did have me at Hello...
Don't ever forget what I told you
About the first vision of you

Mahalo
For all the times of fun
The shoulders of support
The growth
The patience
The Love
Mahalo....

Aloha
I never wanted to Hurt you like this
Never...
I'm sorry
I Miss what we were
But know Aloha is needed
Now
Leaving Room
for Another,
Aloha...

(c)2008jsblankenship

DisMantling

Dismantling and Disecting
Every little thing of the last 8 years
Dismantling this House
Disecting the Flow
The Flow of Errors
of Unspoken Hurts
The Flow of Disappointments

Dismantling this Union
Disecting our parts
Standing amidst the Rubble
Wondering:
How did this take Place?

Dismantling a Love
Disecting a Cancer
That allowed It to grow into Nothing
But It will Never be Nothing
It will Always be Something
Something Special in my Heart

Dismantled, Disected
Into pieces
Bit by Bit
I tried to help you Understand
the Best way that I could

The task I see, impossible
Not for lack of wanting
Not for lack of caring
Not for lack...
Only because the Pain too blinding
I hope that in pieces, one Day
you may See Clearly
Hear Clearly
The Truths I have told you

My Pain is Large too
You have to know that
All that you have dismantled, disected and disgarded
Back to meWas never a Lie
What we had wasn't a Lie
And What I hold Dear will Always be True
the 1, 2, 3, 4
the So Much Too...
the 222
It breaks my Heart too

I will never have Hate in my Heart for you
I simply and catastrophically had to grow from You
And, I see, You from Me too.

Grace, I pray
Will bestow Us
and Lead us both
Like it Always has
Try to Hold onto that Small Piece for me
It won't Hurt to try
Just tuck it away
Far and Deep Away
And If I ever find Shelby...........

(c)2008jsblankenship

DreamCrasher

A Dream Catcher hangs above my head at night
A Web woven to catch my good dreams
Let the bad ones fly right through

It never worked.
I still have Bad Dreams
And can't seem to remember the Good Ones
Come Morning.....
I should have gotten my money back...

Now what hangs Over my Head
More Prominently,
Is the very plain fact
That I am a Dream Crasher

I take something Precious to someone else
Inspect it, Judge it and hand it Back
Crumbled, Revealed, Explained away
Crashed

I'm a Dream Crasher
No room in the neighborhood
For the likes of me........
Dream Crasher.....
Pain, Shame and Reproach
These are my Rewards
DreamCrasher,
That's me......

(c)2008jsblankenship

Veil

Behind,
I
Only
Want

This Veil
Only Hides
From me

How
This Veil,
Will Take On
Of a Thousand Wings,

The Protection
I Crave
To Light my Way

But Do I Fan These Wings
the Only Light
The only Hope
I Have Truth.

(c)2008jsblankenship

Get There

I want to get there with you
I know you climbed faster than me
I can only go as fast as this ole heart of mine will allow

There, is the Truth
There, is Calling
I'm just running out of Breath
I need Water and Rest
And Clear thinking,
Feeling

Throw me A line?
No, I guess I have to get There
on my Own Strength
Or I won't really be There At all,
Again........

An Ember

Fire,
It starts as a Spark
Depending on the Conditions around
That spark can Catch and Spread
Like Wild
And Ignite everything around.

Its unstoppable once Begun
If Conditions are Wet
Like after a Rain,
The Spark might not Catch
or May snuff Out
Quite Quickly.

Hard Work,
Cold Nights,
Stiff Hands,
Nimble Fingers
Frozen,
Numb...............

But Once its starts.........
Magical...
See it in your Eyes,
Burning the Blue and Lager-Brown
Burn the Truth into your hide.....
So to Hide is No Longer what you need.

Burn, Burn So Bright
That I can Find you........
You can Find You......
After all the Storms
Have quieted Away
After all...........
Burn Brightest
For you

(c)2008jsblankenship

If Anyone....

Tells me I'm just Human
One more Time,
I just may raise up my head
And breathe Fire on them.......

If Anyone were to tell me
That I would be here Today
I would have laughed them off
As Insane

If Anyone knows
The Pain I have caused
Would you please come
Rip my Heart out

If Anyone could even Guess
How Sad you can be
by Causing such Pain
Inside and Out
Would they Ever............?

I spread my infection
To innocent souls
Cast Lots for my Heart
And Gambled Away your Souls

If Anyone Could tell You
How Sorry I am
They would Obviously
Hold the Gift of Angels Voices

I'm afraid I don't hear any singing..........

(c)2008jsblankenship

Depression Glass Canister

Depression Glass.
Appropriate...
Pink with delicate etchings
42 years at its youngest

For a baby's room
My room
Its been with me that long....
So delicate, so capable
Like the cotton it held inside.

Filling it up again tonight
For the thousandth thousandth time,
I broke it
Shattered it to the floor
And with it came my tears.

It symbolized so much for me
About what I love and what I want
Gone, that's it
Beyond repair
Another piece of my life is gone

Why everything precious to me
Do I hurt or break or lose?
'...What is it in me that refuses to believe,
this isn't easier than the real thing?...'
I still can't process that line,
after 10 years of hearing her sing it
I have a mental block.

Do I have a cardiac block as well?
Am I beyond repair? Is this?
Has it shattered to the ground?
I know the words are shit
And actions are truer than thoughts
But I had even stopped talking to myself
And that truly is a shattered existance for me.
I can't live without my words
Can you live with them ?
A balance is all I ask, so what's precious inside my shadows
Doesn't tip the edge and fall........

Water Fowl

Stand Tall
Stand High upon your perch
Clean and Proud.

Wing span stretched out above the water,
Frigid Wind underneath your wing
Serves to Hold you up.

"Notice Me," I silently cry out.
Carelessly craning his head my way.

Effortlessly, you Decide your Path.
How envious I am of your Freedom,
Your whim and perhaps unbroadcasted Purpose.

Stand Tall
Wing Span revealed,
Lean Forward,
Take Flight.
"Take me with you,
I want to soar just inches
Above the Water,
Across the Bay..."

(c)2008jsblankenship

Stumbling into The Vortex

Words and Thoughts

Feelings and Needs

Desires of every sort...

Coming from every Direction



I was walking, just walking...

It was only rain.

Why is it always rain?

The eye of the storm threatens

to pass and pull me in again


Whirling and Turning

Changing and Churning

It doesn't matter it's matter

Water, Air, Fire, Flame

It's Current Stronger than I



I don't want to disappear again

But is that not what I have already done?

Disappeared on myself...

The Five-Pointed Cosmos

Swirling Their Forces

Where will this Ever...Peak?


I simply Want to Land on my feet

Heart in Hand

Alive, Awake

Renewed and True

If I leave the ground, am I out of control?

Is that what I really seek?

Can I bring about Change

Without stirring the Cosmos

Or is it All that Phenomenal?

(c)2008jsblankenship

Dancing...

"You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star."
Niectche
Actually, the dancing has been quite good...

She Waits

She waits for me to complete this cycle
She waits for me to clear this all out
She waits for me and misses me

She thinks I want to be apart from her
But tonight she wants to give that space freely
She wants to honor the day it is
And for that I love her so...

She doesn't fully understand the place I go into
I hope she'll trust it's not away that I go
Only inward to stoke the fire

Especially this time of year
My fire must be kindled
Quiet time spent in the forest of my soul
The wood must be found, split, prepared
It has to be stacked and covered to keep ready to burn
And placement is so important
Each log leaving air for the others to burn
A bed of ashes to reflect the heat is always essential from the fire burned before

She waits for me
I just hopes she knows
The fire I tend is not just for me
I have to maintain it in order to be the one she knows me to truly be.
She need not feel left out in the cold.
This fire will warm her too.

(c)2008jsblankenship

Anais Nin

"We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection."

"There were always in me, two women at least,one woman desperate and bewildered,who felt she was drowning and another who would leap into a scene, as upon a stage, conceal her true emotions because they were weaknesses, helplessness, despair,and present to the world only a smile,an eagerness, curiosity, enthusiasm, interest. "

"The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself."

Anais Nin

78

78 years
I wish you could have made 78 years.

What would we have learned from one another by your 78th year?

Its been 14 years since you left
And so much has fallen apart...
How could you have had enough love for that many people who can't seem to love themselves ?

I still miss you somedays in pain
And still see your fingers on the hands that held mine well.
And cared for me and understood my strange, loving humor in this world of perplexity.

You always cared, seemingly without need
You taught me unconditional Love,
You gave me a glimpse of the Rapture,
Of the Face of God.

What more could any child need,
From their Mother or any parent.
The only thing I regret,
That will always bring me tears,..
Is that we simply ran out of time...
So I keep, we all keep talking
Even though you took your leave.

(c)2008jsblankenship

Imaging...Emma Jean

If I promise not hold on too tight
Will you come to me?

If I promise not to make you stay
Will you sit with me?

If I promise not to make you promise,
Will you tell me all you had to say?

I still feel you here but it's easier now
Because instead of distant longing,
You've become a part of me.

I always wondered what it must have felt like
To be beautiful as you,
Now, the greatest gifts I could recieve,
Serendipitously, come from the lack of you.

I see your beauty inside my eyes,
I feel your confidence inside my heart,
Your passion burns inside my veins
As I struggle to be my own.

If I promise not to hold on too tight,
Will you come and never leave?

(c)2008jsblankenship

Good Quote

"...It's a muddy line between the things you want
and the thing things you have to do..."
--Sheryl Crowe, Leaving Las Vegas

To What End ?

So many words,

So little said...

What use is poetry,

If it communicates confusion

Or worse, nothing at all ?

Layers

Roses open, petal by petal

revealing their center, beautifully.

Lovers open their souls layer by layer,

as one peeling an onion, revealing their beautiful centers.



When layers pile up -- unlike being stripped away --

Its just Adding Chaos to a life born untattered.



Houses open for visitors,

akin to souls open for love

Welcoming change for growth,

changes to all

No possessing, no ownership

Collisions perhaps

Needing for Nourshing,

Flourishing for the Journey.

Sail on to Drift, Seek and Start anew...



But houses can store up clutter

as a Soul protects its fears.

Layers upon layers upon layers

Dusty and Rigid from Neglect

So many Keys to the Locked up buried Self

Which one, or how many, are useful?



Restless Hearts

Troubled Souls

Longing for Peaceful Calm

But the Storms are gaining

speed and strength.

Pray the Storms pass us overhead

No more chaos, no clutter

Clean, Clean, Peel, Peel

Layer after Layer

Pray Peace in this House tonight.



(c)2008jsblankenship

Layers ( a study )

Roses
Onions
Layers
Peeling
Adding
Chaos

Houses
Their Spirits
Changes to Self
Changes to Other
Storing
Hiding
Layers and Layers
Of Keys

Restless
Troubled
Peaceful
Storms gaining
Storms passing
Where to land
In Layers

Souls
No Possession
Collisions, yes
Nourishing
Flourishing
or Sail on
To drift
Seek
and Start anew...

(c)2008jsblankenship

Queen Guinevere

Twister

It starts as simple as a rustling of leaves that grows and grows, taking on a life of its own.

Whether devil's spirit or breath from an angel's wings

(can't you just hear it....the slow, enormity of their movement...)

whichever it is, I'm sure I don't know, but that life,

that force can sweep you up and carry you away

and leave things forever changed.

Devastating and joyous

Powerfully crippling

Hope

(c)2008jsblankenship

Shall we ?

Paris

The Walk

Perhaps my time with her was for the winter
Perhaps was for the time alone
Perhaps she came to send me
On that walk for all my time

All I know is that I miss that rain
I miss that quiet
I miss that love and peace I'd rediscovered that day...
I found that '...which I may desire...'
She did come in truth
More truth than I've ever known.
But lost that Home that I'd built myself.

Where is it?
Encapsulated in chemicals?
Folded up in books stored tatered and moldy?
I cannot and she would not keep me from it.
I failed to fully communicate the richness of winter in my heart, so it became hidden and lost and foriegn.

It's not frightening.
It's not dangerous.
I'll never let it harm you.
But to keep this huge huge part of me hibernating endlessly will surely kill the 3 of us
The you, the me, the we.

(c)2008jsblankenship

Devils and demons...

They haunt me and taunt me,

playing with my conscience

My response? Reckless abandonment of right

or perhaps relentless abashment of my worth

responsibility:
the social force that binds you to the courses of action demanded by that force; "we must instill a sense of duty in our children"; "every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty"- John D.Rockefeller, Jr.

I have made a decision

one that I must make every day

some days tougher than others....days when it appears as if there is no decision to re-make at all

others as heavy as the gargoyles that peer and veer over the estate of my life

This decision to uphold, protect and respect

to honor the victorious, the only thing that exists.

But I'm guilty

I entertain them, these Demons and Devils

I let them linger too closely to beckon me and wail

They lie, they pander, they lay odds at my feet

But true I stay, toeing the line for play

Entertainment or boredom or the need to conquer

Goes back to the abandonment of me

(c)2008jsblankenship

Forty Days

Forty Days, with...without
They asked me to imagine my world without you
Just for Forty Days

You asked me to Love
That's all, to Love
Not to imagine
Not to hate
Not to fear
To Love
Forty Days times Forty times Forty...

I have never known a fear of my life without You
Your blessing, Your Grace bestowed unto me
Never a moment when I feared You gone
Or threaten to leave...
Forty Days

Forty Days You did without
Suffering more than that without hesitation
Blood and beatings
Humiliation and Hate
Tears and Fears for us the Easy People

father, my father, can you take these Forty
Pray for Love and Understanding
and put your fears away.
my Father, He loves me and Always Will
But it is you that I fear I will have to be without.

(c)2008jsblankenship

I Love You

I Love You, simply
Under those little three:
I know you're scared/hurt/~ and I'm here for you,
I'm sorry,
I feel something full and warm in my chest and it feels like you must have caused it,
You make me laugh,
I'm more happy than I expected to be,
There's Something Larger that brought us here together,
You make me open and ready,
I trust you with anything about me,
I want you,
I need you,
To touch me...
I want you to know that you can trust me with anything about you,
I want you to want me,
I want you to need me,
I want to melt you with my touch,
I want to shelter you,
I'm proud of you,
I'm scared and want you to re-assure me,
You still amaze me,
You surprise me,
I want you, always, I want you.
I Love you...complexly.

(c)2008jsblankenship

I got the girl, the car AND the pie....mmm

More Bathroom Wisdom

Bathroom Wisdom

FURY

My tears have many colors now.

Fury holds me and shake me

to the bone.

It won't let go ---

I drown.

The tears go up and out

Not just down my face;

So I am surrounded

and cannot breathe.

My tears have many colors now,

Red and Violet, Flame and Rain

The floods they make

could not begin to quench

my thirst for warmth and safety.

I am running from the mayhem

to organized insanity

to save myself from me.

My tears have many colors now.

And they are each a key.

Once cried, once turned

a place never to be returned.

So how to use this Fury

without turning you away

A possible birth

an imminent death

Neither one I wish to hurry.

Can I howl and bay with this

Embrace my Fury strong

And brush these tears now,

from my palatte

to paint this death

back into life.

(c)1993jsblankenship

Thowing it in the Muck

Have you ever just thrown it away? That very thing you were after? I did it the other day and didn't realize it until the very second that is was too late. I had thrown the opportunity away, given it away to someone else and I desperately needed that opportunity to go my way. I suppose you could look at situations like that as the opportunity was in fact NOT what you were hoping for and missed but the lesson that invariably follows such a "muck up".

Ugh.........the damn lessons............

I get so focused on one way, one route, one plan that when a golden opportunity presents itself, I miss it. You know, the forest and the trees.....

I don't see the end result ( a winning one at that) as valid and I throw it away. Or, worse, I don't see the winning result the way I planned it and miss that it actually was right anyway, throwing it away in embarrassment that I must not know what I'm doing. I do this often in my work, my relationships, my finances, at the table. I so often get the gist of the idiom wrong: "...play your cards right and you'll get (_X_)"; my brain will go ahead and interpret it as '...play the RIGHT cards and you'll get (_x_).'

I have got to get my head out of this box.......... I hope this trip to the mountains will give me the peace, the quiet, the space to see the trees and remember I am but a small atom in this universe and things happen, rivers roll and life goes on. I am not going to stop it all with a great plan or limited point of view. Something I read tonight helped to reminded me not to be so proud, embarrased and so unlike my self... This I need... Thank you....

About the Title

Stacked, huh? Well, for you pervs....maybe so...but I'm hardly ever literal. "Stacked" has so many connotations; the physical, voluptuous one, the heavily stoned one, the "I have stacks and stacks of money around me" one, Stacks of chips, stacks of protection....it goes on and on. Point being: I want to be stacked in more than one of these ways.....but deep down, I know that I already am. The punch line of the joke is....I can't seem to SEE my stacks and I know that they are probably right in front of me. That may be a cross to bear for a lot of people, all I know is that it is mine. So, this place is for me to explore that in a lot of different ways...enjoy if you will, click away if bored...share thoughts if so inspired...in any manner. I'm up for a challenge...since that IS the way you get deeper stacks!

Fascination or Obsession

Fascination:

The capability of eliciting intense interest or of being very attractive.
The state of being intensely interested or attracted: listened in fascination.
An intensely interesting, attractive quality or trait.
Obsession:

Compulsive preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion, often accompanied by symptoms of anxiety.
A compulsive, often unreasonable idea or emotion.

I think I'm simply fascinated. Fascinated, again it seems, with the whole attraction realm. Specifically queer attraction and gender; gender roles, gender orientation, sexuality and attraction. This is all I'm writing for now, later on this will probably be a running theme in the story I've got in my head.
Later..........

visit in a dream from my brother

My brother died at the age of 13, when I was 4. My parents didn't know how to handle it themselves, not to mention how to tell a 4 year old! A lot of mystery to me about his disparture from my life...

A poem I wrote about a dream inwhich he visited me...I think I was around 20 when I had this dream.

The Attic Door
There's noone in the attic now.
But still I wait beside the door.
My brother met me there
In his Garden of Eden.
A wide open green
with forever blue sky
Welcomed me.
Nowhere else existed, while
the sun warmed me.
So clear and bright
Yet not too bright for my eyes to see.
For I saw him there, waiting;
To calm my fears and guilt
For coming no sooner.
A perfect setting, a perfect day.
He met me there to bid me peace
And let know;
Whatever I hear, it'll all be okay.
I have no need to go again
He gave me what he had.
And,now, to find my own garden,
My Narnia in this life.
To make my winter melt away,
And see the roses bud and bloom.
The thorns in life will prick me,
When I am careful and when I am not.
But even some prick or loss of blook
won't stain my soul or leave me dry.
(c)1999jsblankenship

WithOut Her

A different path, that '...one not taken...'
"I'm tired of that scene"
I didn't respond and didn't let her call
I never laid on my bed for hours talking, lauging, crying, losing myself to her on the phone.
I went my own way, never traveled the short distance from my home to hers.
Never rode that escalator, feeling our bodies touch in the most subtle way for the very first time.
Never looked in her stranger's eyes and knew that I was home.
I simply stayed at home, working on my book, never hearing the telephone ring. I went out with my tired old friends that Saturday night, just like every other Saturday night.
And I died.
A slow, lonely, pitiful scared little life faded away, because I never went down that road.
And I cheated myself of that glorious life I could have shared. That look in her eyes when the sun and the shore align in her heart...the most beautiful look in the world...was taken from me. I missed it, because I never went down that road.
The joy, the melding of two into 3; me, her and us never occured...I never went down that road.
And I died inside.
(c)2006jsblankenship

One of my favorite poems

Somewhere I have never travelled
e.e. cummings

somewhere I have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which I cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though I have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, I and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(I do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

In a dream

She was dressed in a long black frock dress, looking quite the school marm. My anticipation on meeting her was electric. I had longed to know her since my mother hinted at her mysterious, powerful life shortly before her own death.
"My mother, your granddaughter, threw away your letters. I believe, she was afraid to let me see them," I told her as if this attmept at an apology would open a door that had been locked for so long.
"It's alright, child. There were always too many secrets. Secrets between me and your grandmother and such sad silence inside her after she lost Jon. Then the secrets began again with your mother. Sweet Jessie Joan...I think her's were actually well intended. I think she thought that anything extra and different would send her mom over the deep end of her grief. It almost took her, you know..."
Wow, so much so quick and I still didn't know a thing about her. Willamena Jarret. My great-grandmother. Willie Jarret they all called her. I've only seen the one picture of her in that long black dress and hat, covering most of her identity up as she stood beside another woman under a tree. No one knew who that woman was or would tell. But my mother did tell me that the letters she threw away were between Willie Jarret and another woman.
"Did you love this woman, grandmother? Tell me about your business and what was the nature of your marriage to a man no one seem to know?"
"Robert Turner and I became fast friends as teenagers in Macon, Georgia back in early 1915. He was very handsome and somewhat shy. Me? Not a shy bone in my body. It looks as if your mother got some of my genes and you, love, got more of my sweet Jessie's shy blood.
Although perhaps you and I are more connected in another, special way. Where was I? Robert Turner was an ambitious young man, although he lacked the initiative, the drive to finish most things that he started. I think the thing that made us most alike and combatible was a curse to him, a burden and yet to me was my second self."
"But," I prodded, "you were both successful business owners, were you not?"
"Yes, in a way. But I always had to get him going, and he could have been so much more. You see, we loved each other early on and needed one another for a myriad of reason, romantic love one of the least. He needed me to give him a safe guard as I did him and he needed my drive to keep the demons he chose to see at bay.
We both housed a love for our own kind that was simply unacceptable at the time. I loved my sweet Virginia since I was 19. A gentle, quiet woman with the running strength of the Black Warrior river. She kept me grounded and with my sights on heaven with a love that I believe you have been fortunate enough to express, receive and celebrate. I envy you that and am glad, my child, that it has come to pass."
"I wish I could have read your letters to Virginia," I lamented. "But then, I know how private those things are and I'm sorry that my mother and aunt were able to."
"Hush, now. Your mother was the good and decent person you've always known her to be. When she read the delicacy of my letters she respectively put them away from anyone else without finishing them herself."
"Were you able to be happy, Willie Jarret?"
"I was...I was so happy. Robert was my best friend and we found a way to support each other. I think he had several lovers but sadly was never able to bring himself to accepting that part of himself fully. It was harder for men, almost impossible. For me, it was easier. My work with Botega Dress Shop, took me to New York with Vogue and I met many other women like me that I early on learned how to balance my life. The only thing, I always regretted was the demand for the secrets...for look at how Robert was separated from his family...your family and how secrets built upon secrets that eventually became things of their own, causing distrust in so many, like you."
"It's okay, Willie Jarret, it's okay. I'm learning the balance."
She touched my face and slowly disappeared down the walkway away from my door into the mist.
(c)2007jsblankenship